I did not know I would have to say goodbye to you today...
I did not know, and if I had, what would I have done differently today...
I would have kissed your sweet forehead one more time...
I would have told you how happy having you in my life made me.
You could have told me you loved me, too, with your face close to mine.
I could have held you close and let you feel my heartbeat.
I could have given you an extra helping of fishy flakes.
I might have wondered if we would have another nap together.
I might have made time for that nap, a simple pleasure for us both.
But I did not know...but I know now...how much I loved you.
And how much you will be missed...
Fly free, Sweet Sammy... Your heart was broken, and my heart is aching.
We tried to keep you here with us, but it was time and I said farewell...
I want to tell you about Sammy.
He didn't like to travel--far from it! He had his own Thunder Shirt for trips in the car, to try to keep him calm and lessen 'accidents'. He was told by one vet to 'Never Come Back'...yeah, we didn't!
You didn't see much of him here on our blog, but he was a presence here at home. He didn't dress up much, but he did go to #BlogPaws once...one of the "Flat Pack" instead of Rat Pack!
He was less threatening without his 'bitey' teeth, having to have an almost full-mouth extraction a number of year ago due to severe resorptive disease, but he still was a wrestler at the vets!
He used to be a daddy cat. He was a gentleman with the lady cats. He was very hard to 'read' and had Fractious in red on his chart. But all the staff admired his studly demeanor
He mellowed with age and shared his love in little ways one might miss, but I never did. He loved me. He trusted me.
He was content in his old age to snuggle with Kely and lay in the sun. I was happy they had each other in their Golden Years, both of them 15 years old now...
He had a known mild heart condition, very stable and he was hypertensive but doing well on meds. He had just seen the cardiologist and was given the go-ahead to have his teeth cleaned.
He just did not recover normally after the procedure last Wednesday. He did not want to eat. He did not want to come out of his heated bed.
He went back in to the vet's and got more pain meds, and something for nausea and we began subcutaneous fluids. He let me minister to his needs, but continued to decline.
Today, he came in to work with me and his condition worsened. He was cold, shutting down. They warmed him with a Bair Hugger. He hung in there and I felt there was hope.
But his lab work, which had been normal a few weeks ago...told us why he felt so bad. BUN 140, Creatinine 4.6, Glucose 400. The doctor thought he was possibly having a pancreatitis flare. I was scared.
More blood was to be drawn for more tests, and a catheter placed so he could get IV fluid therapy. But as those treatments were begun, he went into cardiac arrest. They brought him back once. but he didn't stabilize. The cardiologists were called, and they felt his heart issue was not the cause of what he was going through now.
He did not respond to all the emergency care being administered, hope was fading as he was, and I made the decision to let him go gently. And he did. And I said goodbye. And I kissed his forehead one more time. And I told him I loved him.
So today I did some of those things I loved to do with Sammy...but I am crying and sad because I will never have the chance to do those things again with him. But I will share that love that was for him tonight with my other cats. And I will tell them I love them, too. And I will try and live each day not having regrets of missed chances, but to remember the happy days and may time soften the memories of this sad day...
|If I should ever leave you whom I love|
To go along the Silent Way,
Nor speak of me with tears,
But laugh and talk of me as if I were beside you there.
( I'd come - I'd come, could I but find a way!
But would not tears and grief be barriers? )
And when you hear a song
Or see a bird I loved,
Please do not let the thought of me be sad...
For I am loving you just as I always have...
You were so good to me!
There are so many things I wanted still to do -
So many things to say to you...
Remember that I did not fear...
It was Just leaving you that was so hard to face...
We cannot see Beyond...
But this I know:
I love you so -
'twas heaven here with you!
(By "Isla Paschal Richardson")